Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Day to Night

Most of my time is spent in our living area

When I talked to my good friend and mentor Jon Katz at, after Scott died, he suggested I start a recovery journal, if I remember correctly that's what he called it.

In between, my memories, musings, spiritual guidance, music, poetry, photos, I think it is important to keep writing about the practical, the day to day, or the day to night rituals unraveling and forming.

So here goes. My recovery journal.

My sleep pattern is upside down, sideways, a big fat mess if you will. There is no sense to it. I don't try to control it, except for I refuse to get up or get back on the computer unless it's at least passed 2:30 a.m., there is something about heading towards morning and the light, I'm looking for.

One night, I fall asleep at 6:30 p.m., I wake up at 10:30 p.m., groaning, oh my god, this can't possibly be, that I have several more hours of darkness before I can get up and watch for dawn.  Other times, I fall into a restful sleep, totally comforted, sleeping in until 5 am.  I never sleep passed 5 am.

I try Not to think about how I'm going to get through 14 hours of darkness day after day. I just pray for help to get me through it and try to find some magic, mystery, and guidance during the night. Right now, the moon is shining so bright, it knocked the stars right out of the sky. I can't blame the moon, it wants to light our part of the world right now.

It's been several days now and my breakfast has turned to egg sandwiches. I've somehow absorbed Scott's morning routine. I'm eating egg sandwiches every morning at 6 a.m. The rest of the meals, are solely mine, light and probably food that he wouldn't particularly care for except for a side dish.

The days are good. I can manage them quite well. I am beginning to read again, I have two books going right now. I can see the deer traveling by my window. I can watch the weather change. The kids, my nieces are here everyday with their accessories of books, puppies, big dog, and snacks. By afternoon, I am on my own until the next morning. 

The afternoon is filled with meditating out my window, feeling my connection to Scott, waiting for signs and messages to guide me on this part of the journey, the answering of emails and limited to no phone calls (I prefer letter writing), reading, and more reading, fixing dinner and then surrendering to the long dark nights. 

I cry. I sob. I have gut wrenching waves of grief. I talk to Scott.

I take lots of baths. 

Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender is my mantra.

Last night, I finally got the movie to work on my phone, and I fell asleep within a half hour of watching it. I finished it at 4 a.m. this morning.

Structure, what structure. Control, what control. Future, what future.

I don't need Eckhart Tolle's teachings of living in the NOW right now. I am smack in the middle of a crash course of being in the now.  There is nowhere else for me to go.



One of Scott's Picnic View Spots

Sudden Light
by Dante Gabriel Rossetti
I have been here before,
But when or how I cannot tell:
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell,
The sighing sound, the lights around the shore.

You have been mine before,—
How long ago I may not know:
But just when at that swallow's soar
Your neck turn'd so,
Some veil did fall,—I knew it all of yore.

Has this been thus before?
And shall not thus time's eddying flight
Still with our lives our love restore
In death's despite,
And day and night yield one delight once more?


Music is a way to get there


English singer-songwriter and musician Steve Winwood is one of Scott's favorites and was one of my brother David's go to musicians. Both of them played his music all of the time when they were here.

I've grown to love his music through Scott and David. Mix him with Santana in this clip I've uploaded from YouTube

Well, it makes my heart open and sing.

I'm finding music to be so healing right now. I feel close to Scott when I play music and it opens my heart instead of closing myself down in fear or feeling sorry for myself.

I want my heart, mind, spirit and soul to expand from my loss of Scott, not close down.

Music is one of the paths I'm following to get to where I need to go on this journey.

Infinite Life

Smith River, Del Norte County
Scott and I checked the River out several times. We were never comfortable camping here. Later a fire came through, and I haven't been back since, so I don't know where the fire actually burned. 

There is an infinite amount of love and wisdom available to us if we surrender and are open to it. Our love and wisdom does not come from one person, one pet, one idea. Love and Wisdom is not limited. It is expansive.

When I got together with Scott. We were two Independent individuals wanting to create a new path together. We were not Dependent individuals needing each other for survival although we did become dependent at times and it was a horrible shock to lose Scott. In the beginning, I didn't want to go on without him.

The fear and feeling I did not want to continue on this journey without him lasted a short time. When I surrendered and accepted what had happened, I was flooded with love and awareness.

Grief and loss is not an easy path. It is filled with brambles and road blocks. I stop every few steps, feel the loss, and let the grief take me over. Then. I pick myself up and continue along the path.  

I have never had children. So I don't know what bearing a child is like. I feel like grief maybe similar in a way. I look at it as labor. I must go through it. There is no going back. I ride the waves of pain. Breathing through, I know there will be a space in between where I can rest and sometimes feel a state of peace and calm, sometimes an incredible love or euphoria until the next wave hits. As time goes on, the spaces of peace and calm, the acceptance, the love grows and the incredible pain begins to subside. I don't have any idea how long this will last and it doesn't matter. I am on the journey. There is no going backwards. There is no controlling it. 

Our source of love and wisdom is universal. I believe we are a channel for it. Our source is not dependent and limited. This is something I go back to as I go through losing Scott. Love and Wisdom is available for me at all times. 

Just like it is hard to breathe when you are in incredible pain, it is difficult to see how you are surrounded by love and wisdom, when you are in grief from losing someone. 

You are. I am supported. At all times.

Love and wisdom is just waiting, ready for us to receive.  


Tuesday, December 1, 2020

The Promise of Sunrise

I believe in the promise of sunrise. I am always hopeful and open, waiting for the mystery and the miracles to unveil themselves every day. 

Early, this morning I took this photo of sunrise outside the spa room, looking out to the sky, the trees, the fog rolling through the valley under the mountains in the distance.

I am thankful Scott took his baths in the spa with its large window showing this view everyday for over two months. The picture always changing and revealing nature's brilliance. 

Scott loved being in nature.

Nature of Intelligence

"One day I slept late and a wasp came directly over my head, closer than usual, to wake me. It buzzed loudly and I woke up to open the windows and door to allow the wasps to go about their daily business"

Linda Hogan
The Radiant Lives of Animals


Skipping the News

JJ Cale and Eric Clapton
Uploaded from YouTube

Scott loved introducing me to music I wasn't familiar with. Most of the time, I loved all of the music, he played for me. 

One of my favorites was JJ Cale. 

In the hot summer evening, we would lie on the bed, with the window open until midnight, listening to JJ Cale with Scott explaining JJ Cale's influence on Eric Clapton.

Scott was discerning when it came to entertainment. He rarely read the news or watched junk television. He preferred music to any other kind of entertainment.

Sitting on the couch or in the car with my cellphone going, Scott would say "whatcha doin?"

I would respond "just glancin at the news".

He would smile and shake his head. "You know the news just makes you anxious and upset. You shouldn't look at it".

After Scott died, I got a strong feeling, a guidance, a feeling of a door slamming shut, that I must not read the news or watch television. And I stopped. I haven't read one word of news or watched any television since Scott's been gone. I haven't even checked the weather which I did everyday, sometimes a few times a day. I don't web surf anymore either unless I am looking for a particular piece of information which I find the internet is sorely lacking most of the time. That is why libraries are so extremely important.

Since quitting the news and the distraction of junk television, I find my intuition is sharpening, I can hear and see things I haven't been able to in the past because of the static energy of what is pumped out of that box in the corner, or flat screen nowadays.

The other day, my baby sister came over, and said she was going to start communicating with the deer. They had information to share with her. Soon after, the baby fawn appeared in our kitchen window looking at both of us, my sister and I, right into our souls.

When my sister told me about her new information source, communicating with the deer, I totally got it. I'm communicating with Scott, the clouds, the ravens, the mountain lion, the deer, and the tiny bird that hops below my window. I had a conversation with the stars the other night and I felt their response so deep inside, it lifted me to the sky.

I get it, now, Scott.

When I need to know something, I know where to go.


The Deer are Back

This morning, as I walked passed the bathroom, on my way to the bedroom, in the doorway next to the spa where Scott loved taking his baths e...