Girl and Her Dog paddling Lake Crescent, Washington
Scott found the lake by accident, and we fell in love with it
I was a girl and her dog for most of my life. Before, Scott I lived with two men. One was kind. I lived with him when I was in my twenties for two years. We didn't have anything in common. Emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually we were not compatible. The other man, I lived with for less than two years, was abusive.
Until I was fifty-two, my life was filled with animals. I love animals. I had the best dogs, a cat, a parrot, horses, goats, and assorted chickens and geese. I had two ponies. I loved my life living in beautiful homes in suburbia taking my dogs to the river, having a farm for several years where I kept my horses, having a house sit business where I stayed at gorgeous wine country estates with saltwater infinity pools looking over the vineyards.
All this and I was lonely. I wanted someone to share my life with, not just someone. I wanted a best friend, a confidant, someone who could see who I was, who I wanted to be.
When, I met Scott we shared our life up to when we met. I would tell him stories about my farm. Then, I would grow sad and go on and on about how I lost it all. He would look at me and say "Janet, do you know how lucky you were to have a farm. People dream of having a farm and horses and never get one".
Some days when we didn't have a lot of money, which was everyday really. I would tell Scott how much I wanted to live in Hawaii. Then. I would get frustrated. Why is it so hard to get a good job. All I want is to go to Hawaii and swim with the dolphins. Scott would look at me "Janet, I've never been to Hawaii. You've been several times. Do you know how many people would love to go to Hawaii and will never be able to go, most of them."
When I look back, I am disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I know most people in the world can barely make one meal a day and live on less than two dollars a day. Still, there were many days all I could think of is what I had lost and what I couldn't have. Scott always reminded me how lucky I was.
When Scott died, my life was over. I didn't want to live anymore. I told my mom I wanted Scott to come get me. When I realized that wasn't going to happen. I told my mom, I am only staying here to help people and animals, that is it. As soon as my purpose is done, I want Scott to come get me.
I will be here for my niece who comes to see me. I will write and hope that someone finds inspiration or comfort from my words. I will stay to be of service. This is my life from now on. I've already had everything I have ever wanted including Scott and I am lucky.
This morning, I woke up at 1:30 am. I looked up at the stars, there were so many, they were on top of each other. I whispered to them "just use me".
"Just use me. Use me for good. Take all of me and just use me for good".