Thursday, November 19, 2020

My Soulmate


On Tuesday evening, by my side, in our forest home, my best friend, my soul mate, my protector, my guide and teacher, my equal, my everything, died from a sudden heart attack.

I met Scott when I was 52 years old and I knew he was the love of my life, the first day I met him.  I had been searching for him my entire life. I was so grateful and excited I had found him, never imagining I would meet up with him in this life at so late an age.

The day before he died, he told me he was going to live until 105 so we could have the next fifty years together. I told him I thought I could go until my 90's.  

We didn't know we only had one more day.

Scott taught me so much about life, and love. And what the important things were and made sure to remind me of them, everyday, through out the day.

I miss him. I want him back. I want to be with him. The grief I am going through is so intense, I didn't know there was any such thing as this kind of pain.  I don't know how I am going to complete this journey on my own.  I know Scott is with me.  And I will move forward one moment at a time like he taught me.

I know my writing will help me get through this, it is the thread that I will follow to keep me going.

For now, I ride the waves of sorrow that come crashing in, one upon another. I wrote about needing to be cracked open.  I am committed to having my heart and soul cracked open so I can love as deep as Scott loved everyone and everything he met on his journey through this life.


Susan Sawatzky said...

I'm so, so sorry.

I live in Port Townsend, WA. If you need a place, I have a room in a very quiet neighborhood, in a very quiet house that I would rent to you. You could write, be alone, go for hikes, cry....whatever else you need.

Just say the word.

Susan Sawatzky

Janet Hamilton said...

Hello Susan,

Thank you for your gracious offer. I will be here for the next few months in the forest where Scott and I lived these last couple of months. The owner is letting me stay for however long I need. I don't know what my future plans will be. I know how special your offer is and how wonderful Port Townsend is. Scott and I visited Port Townsend, WA this last summer and I fell in love with the area especially the homes and the deer were so tame. I told Scott if we ever settle, I want to live in Port Townsend :) We loved how deer felt safe enough to graze on the front lawns and walk through the neighborhood. Your message brought back so many beautiful memories of the time we spent in Port Townsend. Thank you for writing to me.

Anonymous said...


I admit I have no words to share that could possible be of significant solace.
Yet I wanted to tell you, that for whatever comfort it is, I care and am saddened for your unimaginable loss.

Be as strong as you are able to be,
be as broken as you must....
There is no obvious or simple path for a loss which runs so deep.

Take care of yourself as best as you can.


Patricia said...

Dearest Janet,
From the deepest part of me I send you so much love. My heart breaks for your heart.
Patricia Wright

Nora Wood said...

That is such sad news. Your writing paints a picture of a marvelous person. I'm sure your time together was far too short. I was struck by your line, "We didn't know we only had one more day." A clear reminder to us all.
My deepest sympathy to you.

Unknown said...

Janet-I am so very sorry to read about Scott's untimely death.
Marcia in VT

Sue Hicks said...

Dear Janet, I’m so heartbroken by this news. I can’t even imagine the pain you are experiencing after losing Scott so suddenly and unexpectedly. May the love you shared bring you solace and hope in the days ahead. Keeping you in my prayers.

Joanne Whitfield said...

So very sorry to hear you lost your partner. My heart goes out to you. I lost mine 7 months ago. The pandemic makes it harder as no hugs & as much in-person support. I hope your pet & the solace of nature & love from family & friends carries you through, as it continues to do for me. Sending hugs and love. Remember, good things happen every day, in the midst of our sorrow.

Michelle Hamilton said...

Hey, cousin,

I am devastated to hear this. I wish I had the honor of knowing Scott. Please know I am here for you in whatever you need. All my love, Janet.


Janet Hamilton said...

Thank you everyone for your kindness and prayers. I am hurting right now and it is hard for me to write more than what is beyond my blog posts. Know that I am reading each and every message and keeping all of them in my heart. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Janet: Keep the lines of communication open between you, he is only on the other side of the veil. Watch for subtle signs he is reaching out. Know there are many many people who are praying for you and with you.

yetismith said...

What a dreadful shock. What a terrible pain for you to have to bear. Words from strangers cannot have great meaning right now, but I'd like you to know that I am truly sorry to read your news. I will be thinking of you as you go through this ext part of your life's journey on such a terrible side trip. We never know what life holds for us, but I can tell that you and Scott appreciated each other very much and having that was so special. Be gentle with yourself. Scott will be with you always in your heart.
So very sorry. Carolyn

Cynthia said...

Dear Janet, I am so very sorry. I can only imagine what you are going through.Know that although we are very new friends, my heart is close to you and I am sending you warmest thoughts of light and peace. I hope that the memories you treasure will bring you some comfort today and in the days ahead.

Dan Schonberg said...

Dear Janet, I am so sorry to hear about the death of Scott. I imagine many people are thinking of you at this moment.


megan5286 said...

Dear Janet - I am so sorry to read about your loss. I hope you can continue to find the strength to cope. His love will never leave you.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Janet. I am so sorry about Scott. I just read about him on Jon Katz's blog. I can only just imagine what you are going through--I've lost several people in my life, but not my partner. Know that many, many people are holding you in their hearts and minds and prayers right now. Take it a minute or even a second at a time. Find people who have known loss who can support you.

Love and blessings.
Dawn in central Virginia

Janet Hamilton said...

Thank you for all your beautiful messages and love for all of us going through the loss of loved ones. Scott is with me. I can feel him surrounding me with love and guidance. Your comments and words are a comfort to me and help carry me through to the next part of our journey. With all my heart, love Janet

Janet Hamilton said...


I so wish you would have met Scott too. I'm sorry we didn't make it to you. Scott loved meeting Jeannie and Jackie and Diane and their families. Thank you Cousin, love Janet