Most of my time is spent in our living area
When I talked to my good friend and mentor Jon Katz at www.bedlamfarm.com, after Scott died, he suggested I start a recovery journal, if I remember correctly that's what he called it.
In between, my memories, musings, spiritual guidance, music, poetry, photos, I think it is important to keep writing about the practical, the day to day, or the day to night rituals unraveling and forming.
So here goes. My recovery journal.
My sleep pattern is upside down, sideways, a big fat mess if you will. There is no sense to it. I don't try to control it, except for I refuse to get up or get back on the computer unless it's at least passed 2:30 a.m., there is something about heading towards morning and the light, I'm looking for.
One night, I fall asleep at 6:30 p.m., I wake up at 10:30 p.m., groaning, oh my god, this can't possibly be, that I have several more hours of darkness before I can get up and watch for dawn. Other times, I fall into a restful sleep, totally comforted, sleeping in until 5 am. I never sleep passed 5 am.
I try Not to think about how I'm going to get through 14 hours of darkness day after day. I just pray for help to get me through it and try to find some magic, mystery, and guidance during the night. Right now, the moon is shining so bright, it knocked the stars right out of the sky. I can't blame the moon, it wants to light our part of the world right now.
It's been several days now and my breakfast has turned to egg sandwiches. I've somehow absorbed Scott's morning routine. I'm eating egg sandwiches every morning at 6 a.m. The rest of the meals, are solely mine, light and probably food that he wouldn't particularly care for except for a side dish.
The days are good. I can manage them quite well. I am beginning to read again, I have two books going right now. I can see the deer traveling by my window. I can watch the weather change. The kids, my nieces are here everyday with their accessories of books, puppies, big dog, and snacks. By afternoon, I am on my own until the next morning.
The afternoon is filled with meditating out my window, feeling my connection to Scott, waiting for signs and messages to guide me on this part of the journey, the answering of emails and limited to no phone calls (I prefer letter writing), reading, and more reading, fixing dinner and then surrendering to the long dark nights.
I cry. I sob. I have gut wrenching waves of grief. I talk to Scott.
I take lots of baths.
Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender is my mantra.
Last night, I finally got the movie to work on my phone, and I fell asleep within a half hour of watching it. I finished it at 4 a.m. this morning.
Structure, what structure. Control, what control. Future, what future.
I don't need Eckhart Tolle's teachings of living in the NOW right now. I am smack in the middle of a crash course of being in the now. There is nowhere else for me to go.