Tuesday, December 8, 2020

In the Dirt



 
 I have two pairs of shoes, a pair of Keen Sandals and this pair of REI winter boots
I will leave the winter boots at the house in the mountains when I leave
Scott found both pairs of these brand new high quality shoes for me at the thrift stores
I don't like shopping unless it's for books or horse supplies, I love feed stores
Scott was a thrifty shopper, he liked looking for deals everywhere
I am sloppy, see how I tie my shoe laces and my pant legs are scrunched, that's me
Scott always looked nice, he took good care of what he had
Me, not so much, except for I took care of Scott, that's all I had that was really important to me



Yesterday, I dug in the dirt, in the winter garden, prepping.

It's the first time I've had vigorous exercise since Scott died. I've gone on a couple of walks, short ones. The rest of the time, I putter, house cleaning, writing, reading, preparing a meal, drinking too much coffee, and gazing out the window. 

Yesterday, I actually worked my body, for less than twenty minutes, though. 

Baby steps. That's what I've read about grief. You take baby steps. Nothing big. And forget, looking into the future unless you want to fall into a massive depression. If I look passed a day, than I remember Scott is not going to be with me, by my side, so I just stay in the now, it is much more comfortable in the now, except for at night. Night is a nightmare, I'm not going to pretend otherwise.  It's rough.

I read a recent article about Yoko Ono. She was sharing that decades after losing John Lennon, her heart still "shakes at night". She can have a good day, laugh, look up at the sky. The nights are not so good.

Digging in the dirt, I could feel the Earth move within me and outside of me. I could breathe. The air was so strong, it filled me up. I felt energy moving in my body. My muscles tightened fighting against me, within seconds, they remembered who I was, and started helping me move the dirt and dead vegetable plants.  We all started working together. Mind, body, and spirit. I lost myself in the physical being of working the land.

Last night, my sister and nieces brought me dinner, bath salts (there is never enough bath salts), and a fruit basket cake with real whip cream. It was good to have the company.

After they left, and I went to bed. 

It wasn't so good.









2 comments:

Diane said...

and today is John Lennon's death date. another where were you when day.
best, Diane

Janet Hamilton said...

Wow! I didn't know that when I wrote this Diane. I didn't know today was his death date. I just was remembering an interview by Yoko Ono.