Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Jumping Bean

Willamette Falls, Portland, Oregon
I think Scott was a bit disappointed on this site seeing trip. 
He thought the falls would be more impressive at Willamette.
When we were in and near Portland, he drove for hours so I could see almost 
a dozen falls. The parks were so crowded at most of them, we just drove by, so
I didn't get photos, but I did see them.

I feel like I am a jumping bean. I don't know how you guys are keeping up with me. My emotions are in a blender, mixed up and all over the place some of the time until I reach a peaceful state of calm where I feel I can do this. I can do this grieving thing, which sometimes is "suspend belief" that maybe Scott is not really gone. 

This is all normal, part of the grieving process. It's the grey I need to be concerned about. If I was numb, not feeling anything, not seeing colors, and not moving through the process, it is time to get professional help/maybe even medical help.  I'm not there. I am feeling, I am processing, I am a jumping bean of emotions and wants. Want to start a new life, traveling, and writing. Can't start a new life, too soon, can't skip grieving steps, painful losing Scott, and COVID is keeping almost every door shut right now.

I do have a great support system. I have family, friends, a support group, a therapist on standby, my writing, my blog, my readers, my books, nature, and a strong will to see myself through this to the light and mystery of my love for Scott and losing him.

I do want my life and my grief to be meaningful. I want to help people and animals.  I want to have a purpose in this life. 

So jumping bean it is. I am going to continue jumping around emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. How can I not. It feels like half my body, half my spirit, and half my soul has been torn from me. Of course, I would want to jump away from pain and the process. Runaway from it all.

But I can't. I have to be here, now, and go through it. It's part of the transformation, the integration, the way to transcendence. 


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