Driving from Oregon to Washington
We paid a $2 toll to get this view
I have experienced much loss in my life. None of them compare to losing Scott. This loss has hit me hard. It is not an easy path. All I can do is surrender to the waves of grief that hit me and knock me down. I find hope in the moments of comfort. Like this morning, I woke up at 3 a.m. I was ready to get up, turn on the lights, and start up my laptop to write.
I put my phone back down and wrapped myself back in the covers, I could feel Scott's presence. His warmth. I felt a comfort that I did not want to leave. I stayed in bed until 5 a.m. nestled in a cocoon, feeling him around and inside of me.
At 5 a.m., I got up and started my day.
This is the journey I am on. I feel he is here, with me, and a part of me. Sometimes, I feel like I am walking this path alone. It is all, what it is supposed to be.
I have a purpose, a life here, that I need to fulfill. When Scott was here, I was with him, and alone. It's very different now, not having his physical presence, and I will learn as I go along how to live with that loss. It won't be easy. It's not supposed to be easy.
Buddha left the palace of luxury and pleasure to enter the real world, to experience suffering which began his spiritual journey.
We all must leave or are forced to leave what is comfortable so that we too can begin our journey of enlightenment.
And so here I am, on a path I have never been on, it's painful, it's full of more love than I ever experienced, it's challenging, it's pure suffering. There is no turning back. Out of the darkness, there is light. I am following the light.
I believe in an always life. I don’t know if I can explain that, but Rayya’s very present within me. She’s braided into me … I’m very comfortable saying, if nothing else, her afterlife is living within me, changing me, walking through the world with me and making me different … But I don’t pretend to know much more than that