Santa Rosa, California
Yesterday was not easy. It started off good. My drive to Glen Ellen to drop off cards at the post office was beautiful. It felt good to drive again. Afterwards, I stopped by a local park, Howarth Park. When Scott worked for a local company delivering office supplies, I would bring him his lunch. We would have a picnic at the park until he had to go back to work. I loved making his lunch. Sandwiches, salads with avocado, sometimes tapas; small plates of deviled eggs, olives, crunchy sourdough bread and cheese, sliced apples, maybe an orange to share.
It was hard visiting the park. I didn't know it would be so hard. As soon as I got out of the car and saw the swans and the white egret floating above the lake, the ones, Scott loved to photograph, I felt the emotions surface and flood my being. I could only stay a few short minutes. The lake was filled with so many birds, more birds than I've ever seen. I wanted to stay. I just couldn't. I walked back to the car, got in and called my sister back. We talked for awhile. She let me know that all of the animals left the mountain when I left. The meadowlarks, the deer, the baby fawn, all of them gone. It's silent there. That doesn't surprise me. I know they were messengers from Scott.
Last night, another night of despair. I did find salvation.
I found it in a video by Kelley Lynn who lost her husband. She is a healer with her words. She says "there is no moving on" and I agree. I will never move on from loving Scott, writing about him, sharing him, and having his presence with me. Her video, may be a comfort to you, whether you have lost someone or not. It's about fifteen minutes long. https://youtu.be/kYWlCGbbDGI
In her video, she mentions an organization called Soaring Spirits at www.soaringspirits.org
I spent several hours last night surfing the site and reading blog posts from people who have lost their partners. I found the section about communicating with your partner after death especially interesting and encouraging. I felt a kinship with these people reading their stories.
We still treat talking about death and our connection with the loved ones we have lost as something that needs to be fixed or moved on from. Talking about it and I'm sure writing about it makes many people uncomfortable. I am not going to stop talking about it or writing about it. I will not forget or place in a box those I have loved who have died, they are very much alive to me.
In this blog of mine, I hope to share what I am learning in hopes that it brings you comfort and maybe some tools to go deeper within and know that we are never alone.
We have each other and we have those who we will always love and who we will always remain connected to, by keeping our hearts open.