This afternoon in Petaluma
"Grief is a lifelong process", a big sigh escapes me as I read these words in the latest book I'm reading Transcending Loss by Ashley Davis Bush, L.C.S.W.
I'm reminded of the time we spent in orientation at the Grand Canyon a couple of years ago, learning about our new jobs, the ones Scott and I were hired for in the hospitality department. Sitting next to each other at one of several long tables, our Employee Packets stuffed with loose sheets and pamphlets stacked in front of us along with bottles of water and snacks provided by our employer, we listened attentively to the speakers providing information about company policy and the work ethic they expected from us.
Anytime, the speaker or one of our potential supervisors asked for input or an answer to a team building question, both Scott and I would raise our hands up as fast as possible like teachers' pets wanting to give the first and best answer. I looked at both of us, almost embarrassed, thinking how much we were acting like Horshack shouting "mr kotter, mr kotter!", in that old seventies comedy series Welcome Back, Kotter. My self acknowledged ignored humility, didn't stop me, I still raised my hand as high as Scott's to give my input right along with his at every opportunity. We were having so much fun together, smiling at each other, thinking how smart and wise we were. And extremely annoying to everyone in the class, especially being in our fifties with most everyone else barely in their thirties those three days of job orientation.
Reading the latest grief book, there is a big part of me that wants to skip the steps of pain losing Scott and move from Grieving to Transcendence. I want to have the answers. I want to skip to resurrection, communication, transcending to a higher purpose, there must be a higher purpose, a bigger picture, if only I can answer the question of "Why" and "What is Next for Us", doors will open, and I can move forward and out of the pain, discomfort, and unknowing of this horrible tragedy I am treading water in. Both Scott and I can skip to the end, finding the answer, the purpose of it all.
There is no skipping steps. "Grief is a life long process". Some questions will be answered and some will not be answered. Sometimes I will accept this, sometimes I will fight it, and in the end I will surrender to "I have no fucking clue, why this happened". I really don't give a shit "why", I just want Scott back." And we all know that ain't happening. So back to the beginning again. Step by step, I will work my way to "transcending loss", not moving on from loss, not moving on from loving Scott, "transcending loss". Those two words give me hope, "transcending loss". These words are the carrot that will help me move forward on this path of stones and thorns. I will keep reaching for transcendence.
So, today, I sit down, my hands in my lap, I have no answers. I have a book. I have nature. I have my love for Scott. I have two words to look forward to.
Today, that will have to be enough.