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Saturday, December 5, 2020

Two Pieces

Scott driving us out of the Portland Fires heading back to California
He was so calm and decisive
I was on the verge of an anxiety attack the whole time

Last night, my mom, my nieces and my sister came over to have a sleepover. My sister shopped and bought all of the ingredients for homemade pizza and salad. During pizza time, the kids picked out a dvd out of at least a hundred plus dvds that came with the house we are staying at up in the mountains. 

They just happened to pick Scott's favorite out of the stack of movies, they didn't know it was his favorite. I've watched that movie at least a half dozen times with him since we met. 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. It's a romantic comedy set in the Hawaiian Islands. 

Watching the movie, eating pizza, my heart felt like it was split in two pieces.

I breathed through, missing Scott, laughing with my nieces during the movie, remembering when Scott first introduced me to it, and how we watched it over and over.  My heart hurt, I had tears welling behind my eyes. How many emotions can one person feel at one time. 

Losing Scott. I feel like I have lost a big part of myself. I have lost the person who was a witness to my life, who cared for me every moment of the day even if we were in a tussle over something, who I loved every moment, who I cared for every second of the day even when he pushed me out of my boundaries and safety zones to live life out of my comfort zone. We were one hundred percent here for each other.

I couldn't wait to show him Hawaii. Watching Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore at their breakfast spot in the islands, I thought of Scott and me. All of our breakfasts out, together. Our breakfast, we will never have in Hawaii. The breakfast I told him about over and over. Macadamia Nut Pancakes with whip cream, portuguese sausage with eggs, and two scoops rice. And the plates lunches we would order in Oahu.

I am a Hawaii nut. I love the islands. My grandparents immigrated to Hawaii from Spain when they came to the states. They lived there for several years working in the sugarcane fields before landing at their final spot, buying a house in San Francisco. I feel I have roots there. It feels like home.  

Scott and I talked about, over and over, moving to Hawaii for a few months a year, maybe longer.

When I write, I think to myself, how many readers will I lose, sharing these memories, the past ones and the memories that, now, will never be born with Scott. Maybe it's too much loss and grief for some people. 

Then. I shake off that thought.

I am an honest writer. I am writing my journey, my life experience. 

Scott and I never swept things under the carpet. We always shared how we felt. 

That's what I promise to do on this blog. I am always going to share how I feel.

Today, last night, I feel like my heart is split in two.
 

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