Yesterday, I think it was, I wrote that my immense pain losing Scott had diminished and was replaced by a sorrow I will carry with me until my life here is complete.
"Good try sweetheart, you ain't going to package me in a tidy neat pretty box", answered GRIEF
Last night, was one of the worst nights of dark despair I've fallen into since Scott's death. I prayed like my Spanish Grandmother used to pray when us grand kids ran amuck terrorizing her house in San Francisco.
"lord take me now, what have I done, take me lord, take me now".
That was me last night screaming to the lord, my angels, my guides, Scott, anyone out there in the other world. "Take me now", until I fell asleep with my pillow soaked in tears.
I ain't foolin grief. There is no foolin grief.
Not when you love someone this much.
This morning, I woke up and it is a new day. I went out on the back roads looking for light and color. The blue sky, the 32 degree weather, the frost covering the new green grass, a hot cup of coffee, visiting my friend "B" working at her clothes shop, getting a big hug from "B" (screw you COVID) and buying cards, more cards to mail out brought me relief and hope. Hope that I can have some good moments.
"Grief, you are my teacher, I am your humble student". J