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Sunday, January 17, 2021

One Step at a Time


 

This morning at Bodega Head
Northern California Coast

This is the thing with losing someone you love. You don't know when the pain is going to hit you after awhile, you don't know when the tears are going to fall. I haven't been to Bodega Head since Scott's been gone. The first time I visited Bodega Head was with Scott. It was the first time I had visited that part of the Sonoma Coast. It was one of his favorite places to go to watch the sunset, or to just hang out. The scene changes every time you go.


This morning, it was almost warm. I could smell the salt air. There was a half hour to watch the waves froth and foam below as they hit the nutmeg sand, almost touching the postcard perfect cove below. It's opening week, a late start for Dungeness Crab season. I breathed in the sea, looking for whales before going back to the docks to pick up the cooked crab for a family dinner later this evening. 

The last time I drove up to Bodega Head was with Scott a few months ago. The last time, I ate Dungeness crab was with Scott last year here in Sonoma County. When we traveled through Dungeness, Washington on our road trip, we searched for the crab, never finding it. It was out of season. 

I remember, we each had our own tastes on preparing our crab meat. Scott would savor each bite dipped in butter. I patiently picked out the crab meat forming a pile. When the pile was big enough, I mixed it with mayo, Best Foods mayonnaise, only Best Foods, no other mayonnaise is acceptable. Scott liked Best Foods too. After mixing my crab meat with mayo, I squeezed a touch of meyer lemon juice on top and made a crab sandwich with fresh baked sourdough french bread.  Soon, Scott was following me, making a pile of crab meat for a sandwich too. And then, I followed him dipping the sweet claw meat in melted butter to taste along side my sandwich. We sipped chardonnay along with our feast, the wine tasting like smooth butter on our lips.

Leaving Bodega Head, parking at the docks waiting for the fishermen to pack our crab in ice for the ride home, I watched the loons dive for fish, creating wrinkles in the calm water. A sea lion joined them. I could only spot the top of her glistening velvet back as she floated on top of the water, her head and tail buried into the sea in a crouching positon. I felt sorry for the crabs in the steaming pots wishing I could eat them guilt free like the animals hunting in the bay.

At Bodega Bay, I felt good being by the sea, being at home. Driving back, I looked out the window watching the cattle ranches go by, the hordes of people, two, three, four to a car heading out to the beach getting a late start. The parking spots already at a premium.

At home, uploading my photos, I could feel the grief hit me, the tears falling, the loss felt in the pit of my stomach. How much I miss him, how I will learn this pain will follow me for the rest of my life. How I know Scott is always with me, teaching me the impermanence and value of life as each moment unfolds into another. How one day I will be happy again. It's what he wants, it's what I want. Life is precious and it goes by so fast, there really isn't a second to waste.




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