17 Year Old Pet Sit Kitty on my lap
Our House Sit in Portland, Oregon
This morning, I am sipping my coffee. It's 5:30 a.m. I opened the window, so I could hear the rain tap, tap, tapping on the roof as it touches the green grass in the yard and gently settles on the leaves left on the trees. It's still dark outside. Once in a while, I hear a car start up and drive by for the early morning commute. Before I brewed coffee, I completed a morning meditation on my CALM app.
Yesterday, I had a major grief meltdown. I've read, it's normal to feel crazy during grief. Those of us going through it are hit with waves and ripples of so many different kinds of emotions and feelings physically, mentally, spiritually, and physically it is beyond unsettling at times.
Last night, I was texting back and forth on separate messages with my sister and my best friend "B". It was a triage, all of us going through stuff, different challenges, all kinds of emotions. I find with my grief, it is helpful during this time to hear other people's stuff. When Scott first left his body, I was so self absorbed in my pain, I could not hear or listen to anyone else. Now, I find myself wanting to hear what other people are going through, even though it might not be the same situation I am facing.
A lot of us are going through a shit storm right now, to put it mildly.
In the evening, I am finding guiding meditations to be extremely helpful. I use different ones I've found on YouTube, I am going to do some more research on what works best for me. Right now, I like two of them. One is to call in your spirit guides or loved ones that have transitioned, the other is specifically for communicating with lost loved ones (that one I posted on an earlier blog entry here). Both of them are healing and have worked well for me.
In the evening, after my guided meditation, I listen to music or a story on my CALM app. I know watching Netflix, a movie or television to fall asleep works well for a lot of people. I feel better using the CALM app, it's softer and gentler, and I fall into a deep sleep instead of waking up through-out the night unsettled by the TV or Netflix.
Today was the first time I tried a morning meditation on the app and it worked really well. I feel better starting off my day with nature sounds, a short meditation, and now having my window open to the "real" rain.
I am using every tool I have in my toolbox to get me through this. It's a lifetime spiritual challenge for me. This isn't going to be a quick fix. I am not the same person I was before Scott left. In some ways, I am stronger, in other ways I am much more vulnerable.
Right now, fortunately, my only addiction is books. I have ordered dozens of books with a little extra money I have from savings. The books are a goddess send for me. Giving books away after I read them feels good. Giving feels good, in moderation. Giving books is something I can do right now. It's affordable with using the book rate postage and it gives me something to do that is not just focused on "me" , "my life", and "my grief". It is a way to bring someone else comfort, a touch of joy, an escape, a gift.
I am also thankful for the website Soaring Spirits. Reading the blog posts by writers who are going through what I am going through is extremely helpful. I don't feel so alone and crazy. What they write are the same things I am feeling from the emotional aspect to communication with my partner after death, to navigating the world being alone on my own again to situations and emotions I haven't experienced yet. I am grateful for their courage to "put it out there" for the rest of us.
So, today is a new day. I am going to try to venture out to take photos and go to the mail service center. I've been in kind of a bubble, not watching the news, I finally read just a little bit of information last night to find out what was going on with COVID and it's worse than I thought, unfortunately. So the reality is, travel plans are on hold for now for others safety and my own.
Until travel opens up, I am staying put, traveling the NOW and Where I am. There is no escape, my work is "doing the work" wherever it takes me or keeps me.
Note: For some reason, links are not working on this blog post. You can find the CALM app at www.calm.com
and Soaring Spirits at www.soaringspirits.org