San Francisco Bay Area
I am searching for the vision of what my life is going to be without Scott physically here. For the last three years, I've had a partner by my side almost twenty-four/seven. For most of my life, I was single. So, I do know how to live and thrive in the single life.
Before Scott, I had horses, goats and dogs to keep me busy, along with my blog, and my pet sit business.
My pet sit business closed after the 2017 Sonoma/Napa Tubbs Fire destroyed most of my client farms and ranches. When I was with Scott before our travels my senior horses, goats and senior dogs passed away/transitioned.
Being an animal person, it's strange not having pets to take care of anymore. And for the foreseeable future, I have no plans bringing companion animals back into my life. I love being in nature and I am learning to connect with the wild animals, trees, and plants on my hikes and in the area where I live. At this time, I don't want the responsibility of caring for a companion animal and I am okay with that.
I do have a hunger to create beyond what I am doing right now. I love writing, taking photos, and my blog. I promised Scott I would keep writing and keep the blog going when I started up again after we took a break from our travels. I'm not breaking that promise! And I don't want to.
There is something stirring deep inside me. When I've asked during my visioning, I've received a clear message to wait, it's not time yet to go to the next step.
It's not comfortable for me to have so much time to spare. I know that sounds whiny and self-indulgent when so many of us wish for time to spare. I am sorry for that. Losing a partner, half of me, has created a space, a big space to fill. I want to fill that space, something that will be of service, something creative, a new vision.
I thought the new space would be filled with travel. After searching, yet again, for volunteer opportunities where I can live, work and be of service. I find nothing that suits my strengths, feeds my spirit, or touches my heart, I am at a standstill with travel, probably until the summer or maybe even into 2022.
In the meantime, I will continue to spend time in nature, take photos, blog, meditate and vision, and keep serving here by sharing as much as I feel comfortable with and what comes through me into my writing.
Early this morning, I woke up feeling numb without feeling. I couldn't feel my heart. I reached out to Scott and felt a warmth, a presence. As I started to breathe, I felt my heart open and the tears came, flowing freely. My heart kept opening, expanding. All day, today, has been quite the struggle, the pull wanting Scott physically here, knowing that is not possible. Yet, Scott is here, his presence.
There is a learning, a process, an opening and expanding of accepting a new way of being, a new life for myself, and staying open to how my relationship with Scott is transforming and expanding. As I study women like Christina Rasmussen, Sark, Esther Hicks, and even Charmian London, Jack London's wife, all who continued to have communications with their partners after death, I do not feel as uneasy sharing on my blog some of my experience (most of it will remain private as it should be). I do feel comfortable sharing the tools, books, podcasts, and teachers who have the courage to share, serve and help those who want to expand their connection with lost loved ones and want to expand their own spiritual lives.
So there it is, I put it all out there, as much as I can for now as I continue on this mysterious journey unfolding moment by moment. I hope you stay with me for the ride, and if you don't, peace and love be with you on your journey.