Sunday, February 28, 2021

Light Within

Yellow Mustard
Vineyards at Sunset in Healdsburg, California
This evening on a drive with my sister



“The Universe is constantly speaking to us, and as soon as we learn to understand that language, life blossoms like the most exquisite flower.”

― Katherine Plant, The Place Between Here and There
Spring has arrived in Sonoma County
Daisies and Yellow Mustard 
Dry Creek Valley

Old Vines and Mustard
Healdsburg, California

 



Light Fixtures

Light Bulbs
Dining Outdoors
Last night in Guerneville, California

Ever since Scott crossed over, I find myself looking at lights, now I am discovering that I am drawn to taking photos of lights. Reading the stacks of books on communicating with lost loved ones, there are numerous passages about the dead playing with electricity to signal family members and friends. I haven't experienced this very often. Since Scott transitioned, I do notice the lighting has changed in the rooms I live in, almost a purity of white light infused within. I remember when my animals passed over, the colors around me seemed to be more vivid and striking, a sense of peace would permeate my surroundings.

The glow of the lantern above the doorway caught my attention
Town of Guerneville, Northern California







 

Unresolved

"Hippie" School Bus
Guerneville, California
Yesterday Evening

Grief can make one feel crazy at times. Emotions and memories surface and flood your senses during the ordinary. Dining out with my sister last night in the town of Guerneville, my emotions ran wild from gratitude to hurt to frustration to anger to despair to hopefulness to letting go.

I am learning that grief is not a condition that can be solved. It is an in depth work through process for me. Grief is in constant change, morphing, catapulting, thundering mist, interfering, gently touching, sculpting, carving and beating me to a pulp. Grief is one of the creator's tools working me into the person I am going to be, painfully shedding the person I was. 

I can already see myself emerging into someone I do not recognize, someone I am learning to get to know for the first time. 

My voice is changing. There is a confidence and surety about it, that was not there before. I am experiencing a deeper commitment to my spiritual evolving. I am on the cusp of practicing self-love at another level. I am learning forgiveness is the path to freedom. I can see and feel bullshit and falseness of propriety like a stab in the heart taking my breath away. I move through scenes of life, my radar heightened on alert, for the authentic, what feels alive and awakened. I find myself in the unpredictability of nature.

And the most comfortable realm for me is being here now.

Yesterday is filled with past dreams locked in bubbles of timelessness. Tomorrow is a promise not guaranteed. 

I understand there is no end, no completion, no fixed state of wholeness. 

I am eternally a work in progress seeking enlightenment for the joy and love that it is, stumbling and falling into obstacles, picking myself up again and again, to be wholly who I am in the moment, flawed and beautiful as love waits patiently for me to surrender.



 

Saturday, February 27, 2021

Digging through Old Photos

 

Reanna on my Shoulder

I spent the morning looking at old photos of trips Scott and I took over the last year. It felt good with tears rolling down my face to see all of the places and remember the experiences we shared together. It helped me feel good knowing that we had a good life together.  

I also found this photo of my horse Reanna a couple of years before she passed away. She loved putting her head on my shoulder. I love the look on her face. 

Sometimes, it's good to remember that we were and are loved. I tend to forget that sometimes, focusing on what I didn't do instead of all that I did to love the people and animals in my life.



Rebirth

Yesterday
Looking through the white fence to the wild flowers
from an outdoor thrift shop in Sonoma County , California



“In my own worst seasons I've come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again. Like a stroke victim retraining new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught myself joy, over and over again.”


― Barbara Kingsolver, High Tide in Tucson

 

Friday, February 26, 2021

Bed and Breakfast, maybe someday

Kenwood, California


Grief never leaves me. Most of the time it sits quietly, the sorrow in my heart, the tears settling behind my eyes. 

This longhorn cow was a beauty on my way down the driveway checking out a Bed & Breakfast I dreamed of staying at with Scott one day.   The lodging, a farmhouse, painted my favorite butter yellow surrounded by a white picket fence, with a bistro table on private decks opening from each room above looking out over the valley. In the short distance your eyes fall upon rolling vineyards and spring lavender waiting to bloom. If the price to stay a night is reasonable during a slow tourist week in the future, I am tempted to book a room for myself.  I will pack some fruit, cheese, a sourdough baguette and a nice bottle of wine, journals, a book or two and let myself just be wherever my spirit takes me. I might walk down the road and talk to this cow or the sheep and lambs I met on my way up to the house.

 

Layers

Layers
Hereford Cow, Meadow, River Trees, Redwoods
Duncan Mills, Northern California

Last night, my sister and I shared a Zoom Screen and took a class from John Holland on Auras. We learned about our seven layer Aura, the energetic frequency of Auras, colors of Auras, and how to cleanse your Auras. 

I am finding that reading and studying, taking Zoom classes, spending time in Nature, contributing my photos (thank you Amy for camerađź’›) of plant and animal life to  iNaturalist, and exploring the SF Bay Area and Northern California Coastline are helping me rebuild a new life after losing Scott in the physical realm. I am still very much connected to Scott and feel his presence through-out the day and evening. 

On iNaturalist, the photo of fungi (see photo below) that I shared on a previous blog post was identified as Oyster Mushrooms and was picked and included in a Project.  Also, I received a beautiful, personal, heartfelt letter from iNaturalist thanking me for my monthly donation in memory of Scott's love of nature. It was a surprise to get a personal letter instead of a generic automated one. It really makes a difference to receive a personal note. 

During our Aura class last night, we learned that Nature, Salt Baths or Salt Scrubs are good for cleansing your Aura of emotional and negative debris. Makes sense to me. I always feel much better after spending time in Nature and taking a Salt Bath.

Oyster Mushrooms
Genus Pleurotus




 

Pudgy

Dog and Man
Guerneville
Northern California

It was too windy out at the coast to touch the sand or the sea to beach comb. On the way back, I noticed the dog and man in the town square of Guerneville. The boxer type dog reminded me of my grandmother's dog in San Francisco. When I was three years old or so, I used to love playing with her brute of a dog, his name was Pudgy, and all I really remember was him knocking me down the long wooden steps out the back kitchen door. He didn't have any sense of boundaries or care like many dogs do when they are around young children. It didn't deter me one bit from hanging out with him.

 

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Hiking with my Sister

Western Fence Lizard
Sugar Loaf Ridge State Park
Sonoma County, California

This afternoon on a hike with my sister, we scouted out camping sites for an overnight trip. She wants to join me on future overnight adventures. On the nature trail, this lizard posed for us. It was a beautiful day, a crisp hint of cold in the air. Our lizard found a nice sunny spot to soak in the rays.

I signed up again at iNaturalist so I can upload and submit my photos of plant and animal life for identification and to help with sharing information for biodiversity studies. Within minutes, a Naturalist with an impressive Biology background identified my lizard as a Western Fence Lizard.

iNaturalist is free to join and you can download an app for your phone. I donated a monthly amount to support the California Academy of Sciences through iNaturalist in Scott's name, in memory of his love for nature. I believe they give you an option to donate to your local Academy of Sciences or similar type of organization.  You don't have to spend any money or donate to iNaturalist, your observations help. 

It's easy and fun to use.

Back on the trail, my sister and I found this fungi inside of a tree stump.  It reminded me of hanging bats in a cave. I'm waiting on an identification.

Next week, I hope to take a different hike with my sister exploring the waterfalls in the park. 

Unidentified Fungi



 

Experience Self in Relationships


"Relationships are the only experience in life that brings 
you an experience of yourself in life.
And we are talking here about not only your relationship to people,
but also to places, and things, and even events-
even your relationships to the occurrences of your life"
-Neal Donald Walsch's 
Little Book of Life
Living the Message of Conversations with God


I've been reading Neale Donald Walsch's new book "Little Book of Life" and it's helping me continue with my quest to deepen my spirituality by honoring and caring for all of the connections in my life. When Scott was here, I mainly focused on us. Now, I see myself treating each and every encounter in my life differently. 


Recently, I wrote about reopening my pet sit business. I searched the internet for old listings of my business. Finding misinformation on one of the links, I proceeded to correct it. My correction generated a lead for a business that helps optimize and update websites on the internet. Usually, this type of sales call from an internet lead would irritate the "you know what out of me". 

My cellphone rang with the 800 number. I knew immediately it was a sales call. In the past, I would let it go to voicemail, ignoring the sales calls until "they died on the vine and withered away".

Not this time. I picked up. I listened to the salesperson on the other line. Instead of treating him like he was interrupting my life, I listened to what he had to say about my business and what he had to offer.

After a few minutes, I found myself surprisingly not frustrated. I didn't cut him off. I continued to listen. 

After he was finished, I asked him some questions and told him what I needed corrected on the internet, about reopening my business, and other concerns I had about my listings. 

He answered my questions and offered suggestions on what he could help me with and how much it would cost. 

I found the cost reasonable and signed up for his service. Since, signing up, I've been really happy with the service and the salesperson who is helping me "clean up" my internet listings. He's been extremely helpful and available.

More importantly, by not being rude to him when he first called, I like myself better. I like myself better for treating someone kindly and politely instead of brushing them off like they are a nuisance in my day.

Reading "Little Book of Life" by Neal Donald Walsch is reminding me how important all of my actions are and how I show up in this life determines how well I can live now and into my future. 
 
 

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Ordinary Moments

Dandelions

Spending some time in the garden, I noticed the dandelions popping up all over. At first thought, dandelions seem so ordinary. When I look closer, and truly see the dandelions, their happy sunshine bright yellow faces saying hello from the carpet of suburban green lawn, I realize they are pretty wonderful.





 

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

A Little Book of Messages



"Freedom is the essence of Who You Are. Freedom is the essence of love. The word love and the word freedom are interchangeable. As is the word joy. Joy, love, freedom-love, freedom love, joy. They all mean the same thing. And the human soul cannot be joyful to the degree that it's restricted or limited in any way."

-Neale Donald Walsch's
Little Book of Life
Living the Message of Conversations with God
 

People Photos

A couple heading towards to the surf
Sonoma Coast
Northern California
Today

I took a drive out to the coast. The weather is pretty amazing this week. It's 80 degrees this afternoon where I live, cooler out at the ocean. 

I had an idea to take myself out to an expensive lunch at one of the popular seafood restaurants near where the sea lions bark and beg the fishermen for scraps. I went around through the back of the restaurant to check out the tables to see if there was one open by the bay side. Rounding the corner, I was surprised to find a full line of people waiting at the front on a Tuesday afternoon. When I found out it was going to be an almost two hour wait for a table, I was like omg, forget it. Years ago, during this time of the year and week, the dining room was half empty in the restaurant when I stopped by for lunch between my pet sits. 

Lucky for my wallet, I ended up at the local deli, only two guys were in line, their white undershirts splattered with dirt and oil revealing a hard day at work. I ordered a veggie sandwich, and Scott's favorite Asiago pasta salad and headed out to one of his favorite spots. 

Scott loved telling me stories of how he backed his van into the parking lot, facing the coastline to watch the surfers and take in the ocean breeze with his cattle dog, Cobber. He spent hours here at the coast on his days off from work, watching the waves and taking naps in the back of the van. When we got together, we spent a lot of time at this same beach doing the same thing except at that time we didn't have a van, so we just shifted the seats back, I stretched out, putting my bare feet up on the dashboard. With the windows rolled down, the sunbeams warming our bodies, we breathed in the sea, both of us falling into restful naps as surfers, people, and dogs would come and go.

Today, was different. I was alone. I watched the gulls, moms with their babies and toddlers held close, and retired couples cross the pavement to the sand on the way to the surf. 

I took photos, noticing how I am drawn to take pictures of people. All my life, I've taken photos of animals and nature, purposely leaving out the people. Now, I find myself drawn to the people, also part of the story happening within the photo. 

I think my relationship with Scott opened my heart to people more.

I didn't get hit with waves of grief. I felt Scott was there with me. I felt I was supported finding my way on this journey, revisiting places I've been solo over the years, and the last few years exclusively with Scott. 

On the way home, the red-tailed hawks and black turkey vultures led the way, flying above me. 

During the drive, a message surfaced from within me. While I am here, I'm going to love people and animals, our planet as much as I can before I crossover. Who knows how long I have. For me, it really doesn't matter. Just today does. Only one day. That's really all I have to live, is this moment right now. 
 
One day. One moment at a time.










 

Accepting my Situation

If you look close, you can see the almost full moon through the trees
Sugar Loaf
Yesterday



During my meditation this morning, I came to the realization that I am feeling connected and separated. This is my situation. 

I feel connected to Scott. I feel connected to my source. I feel connected to love.

I feel separate from Scott. I feel separate from my source. I feel separate from love.

There is no escape from my situation of feeling connected and separate. There is no escape from the situation that Scott is not living in the physical realm. There is no escape that I am now living a solo life in the physical. There is no denial, escape, or way to fix this situation. It is a situation that cannot be fixed, in this life.

So what now?

I practice.

I practice acceptance. I practice living feeling connected and separated. I move forward in my life connected and separated. I live in the now connected and separated. I allow myself to fully live my life accepting this new situation. I don't have to like it. I can find joy in it. The bottom line is, I practice accepting it and living from it.

How can I live a connected and separated life?  Isn't that too painful?  Can I integrate the two into one?

I don't know.  

All I know for sure is that my separated and connected life is my human experience. I do know sometimes I feel whole and can integrate the two. Sometimes, I can't. I feel moments of excitement and a taste of joy on the breath of my lips that I am fully independent choosing whatever I want whenever I want now. Most of the time, I  carry a sorrow, a painful reminder that Scott is not here. Some moments, I feel Scott so close, I breathe him in, and I feel him walking right beside me.

My practice is to accept all of this. My practice is to accept my life as it is. My practice is to love myself and my life.

My practice is the journey. I will never have all of the answers. 

My practice is to accept my situation and not try to run from it.

There is no escape. There is no escape from the now.

It's my life. My practice is to accept it and live it as fully and with as much love as I can.

 

Monday, February 22, 2021

Spring Camping

Sugar Loaf
Sonoma County, California

I sat on a bench in silence looking at this view, this afternoon. Well, I was quiet, the birds were singing, and gathering around the narrow running creek a few feet from my spot. 

As I sat quietly listening to the bluebirds, admiring the flashes of blue wings coloring the dark tree branches above me, I thought about camping. And how beautiful and inviting the camping spots are up here on this mountain so close to my home base. Driving into the park this afternoon, I noted the ring of campsites, just a few slots set up with tents, vans and camping supplies. The ranger station, the camp store serving free hot chocolate and last minute grocery items, and the easy to moderate hiking trails through-out the park left me with a sense of safety and ease.

Maybe, just maybe, I could try camping alone. I felt a bit of excitement, then the grief, guilt and sadness hit me. Can I really do this? Is it okay to think about camping, staying overnight by myself under the stars, setting up camp without Scott. I let the feelings of loss and tiny sparks of hope run through my body.

After an hour of sitting, I hiked the meadow trail to a small running creek thick with burnt trees (from one of the recent fires), blackberry bushes, poison oak, and brush. I found a rock and sat for awhile watching the birds fly away to the trees on the other side of the water, a grey squirrel barked from a distance, a pair of blue jays skipped branches above me. 

Heading back to the car through the shade of trees, as the dirt path opened up to sunlight leading back to the parking lot, I heard a prehistoric scream behind me. I turned around and saw a large bird flapping his wings flying low towards my direction from the depth of the forest, he landed a few trees away calling again, soaring back to flight he landed in a second tree hidden from view at the creek, within moments he took flight again landing right onto the tree next to me off the trail. 

I looked up into the tree less than six feet away from me, there was the Pileated Woodpecker, the Woody Woodpecker of woodpeckers, one of Scott's favorites.  He gave me a knowing look from above, hopped down to the middle of the thick trunk where I could clearly see him, and started hammering away at the bark. I stood there watching him for a long while until he gradually made his way up the tree limbs disappearing into the bright rays of sunlight.

I felt his message call to my spirit "get to work"

It's time.

When I got home, I grabbed my notebook and started a list. On the top of the paper I wrote Camping Supplies.







 

Creating Affirmations this Morning

Zurri Muse
How to make a Positive Meditation Script



This morning, I created my own personalized meditation script of positive affirmations by following Zurri Muse's guidance and process in the video I am sharing on this post here https://youtu.be/p7lGxL_IqdI.

She uses dreams, readings, and life experiences to show you how to create your own personalized meditation.

I found it very helpful. I created my personalized meditation script to help me when I am feeling low about myself and my life situation.  I tend to go into a negative space when I am expanding my life and making positive changes. I feel guilt, fear, and limiting thoughts when I move forward into positive change creating my life of dreams.

Part of my script this morning looked like this:

I am one with Joy
I am one with Peace
I am one with my Purpose
My Spirit Guides love me and hold me at all times



I am going to add this positive affirmation script to my morning meditation to help me through-out the day.

 

 

 

 

 




 

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Sunday Afternoon

My View this Afternoon 
        Town Square in Sonoma, California

I passed by couples holding hands, and multi-generational families, the children excitedly chattering like chipmunks evading their parents attempts at corralling them as they moved along the sidewalks bordering the town square. The outdoor dining areas were brimming with people eating, drinking, laughing, and smiling in the sun. The temperatures here fast approaching the mid-seventies. 

I fell into line in front of the ice cream shop. When it was my turn, I ordered a scoop of chocolate chip and butter brittle. Carefully, I carried my ice cream before it melted in the warming sun to a lone bench hidden behind the main street where I could people watch in solitude.

In the tree above me, the songbirds flew down to the ground before me searching  for food while I ate my ice cream. I almost felt normal

I so wanted to be happy, I wanted so much to capture the feeling of "summer breeze makes me feel fine" the song by Seals and Croft. So many times that song has lifted my mood reminding me of childhood innocence and freedom and my times with Scott. 

Happiness isn't so easy to come by these days. Scott used to remind me that "content" is good. Happiness is too fleeting. 

This afternoon, I didn't find happiness, but I almost found my way to "content".  

Green Beauty


"She has not forgotten the time she was lost-
how even while lost she refused to feel the fear,
but instead saw only the green beauty of the 
wildwood, breathing deep the scent of trees,
earth, lichen, moss."

Book (in photo) and Quote by Author & Illustrator Jackie Morris



Thank you Carolynđź’™

 

What Can't Be Explained

Driving by the Hay Fields with Scott last Summer
Oregon

Science can explain many things.

The one thing Science can't explain is Why there is something instead of nothing. Why do we exist? 

I can't go to Science to explain my spiritual experiences and my belief in the After Life, Infinite Love, and the reason I am here along with all the rest of us, the animals, plants, nature, beings in and out of the physical realm.

I trust myself to explore these questions by going within and finding answers along the path of my journey.

Scientists can't explain why cats purr?  Yet, many of us who have had cats in our lives, can explain several reasons why they do.  They just might not be proven scientifically.

I am not going to leave the most important questions in my life up to Scientists to solve.

I am on the search myself. I don't need all of the answers. In fact, that would be kind of boring, to know it all. The main reason I love existing is my knowing, that I will never know all of the answers. 

That is what makes this journey and adventure so compelling and exciting. It never ends.

Just like life.



 

Saturday, February 20, 2021

Predators

Hawk in Flight 
Bodega Bay, California


I just finished reading two short stories my friend Shugri Salh posted on her blog. One of the stories "The Man Who Came to Rape Me" is another powerful story that I am sure many women can relate to, including myself.

I've had a few experiences myself over the years where I was stalked, grabbed, and attacked on separate occasions, and almost raped. I believe this has been the experience for many women if not most. It has been a subject that is taboo to write and speak about. In all of the get togethers, socials, and friendships I have shared with women, few confide in the brutality, abuse, and misogyny predator men practice at home, in the workplace, social situations, in and outside of the public.

Here's an excerpt of my friend Shugri's experience in the story "The Man Who Came to Rape Me".





 

Forward Motion

Mendocino
Northern California

I have been immersed in a crash course on grief for the last three months. I have dozens of books, tapes, videos, podcasts, and emails on grief, the after life, communication with loved ones after death, and using grief to deepen ones life after loss.

I feel like Magellan, the Portuguese explorer we studied in school. I study maps and navigational tools trying to reach the other worlds where Scott is. I know the Earth is round not flat. I know there is life happening outside of my limited view in this one. I've felt it. I've communicated through it. I've received communications from it. We humans take a long time, centuries, before we believe in what is real and  even when the facts are presented, we never reach consensus on it. Scott's transition has propelled me into seeking answers and deepening my spiritual life and my own search of Who I AM.

Yesterday was rough. On one hand, I could feel myself digging in and finding the positive, upbeat person who can create a website, order business cards, hire a consultant, and open her business in one day. And I did just that.

Then, there is the other part of me, the deeper part, the one that is on purpose, that feels like I could smoke cigarettes, wear dark sunglasses and drive around looking for aliens and angels.  "We're on a mission from God", I could hear Scott say from one of his favorite movies  The Blues Brothers. Scott always wanted to watch UFO documentaries. I remember binge watching the The X-Files with him our second winter together. Roswell, New Mexico was on our list of travel destinations. Both of us shared a knowing, that there is more out there. When I first met Scott, he wanted to know if I had read The Celestine Prophesy. It was important to him that I understood the spiritual concepts of that book, mainly how people can suck your energy, and bring you down to a lower vibration. I had read it. I've been studying aliens, angels, metaphysics, the after life, Wicca, Jesus, Buddha, and nature based spirituality since I was a kid. I copied my own "ten commandments" from Jesus's new testament and taped it on my bedroom wall when I was in fifth grade, my personal guide to following the path of Jesus and love. When I was in my twenties, I copied St. Francis's prayer and read it over and over again. I wanted to be an instrument of service.

When I was in my mid twenties, one of my roommates was recovering from being abducted by aliens. He was obsessed with reading everything and anything about extra terrestrials. I didn't disbelieve him. Years earlier, my foster sister and I were on the front page of our local paper. We saw a UFO out our back bedroom window. I don't think my parents believed us, until the reporter showed up to get our story and a photo, telling us he had just interviewed a CHP Officer that witnessed the same thing on patrol that same night two towns away.

In my late twenties, witches lived on the west side of Sonoma County. The women I knew who practiced Dianic Wicca (A Woman only based Wicca)  packed their herbs, divination tools, tarot cards, and cats, cashed in their real estate to move north to Oregon and Washington leaving town in the late nineties. Before they left, they taught Wicca, you could actually attend witch school for a year and a day and graduate as a bonafide practicing witch.  One of my favorite books as a kid was about a witch who lived on top of mountain with her magical broomstick and black cat. When I was in my late twenties, I couldn't pass up the chance of going to a real witch school, and so I did. I graduated after one year and one day jumping over a bonfire with my certificate in hand. They still hold witch school here, class by class, in a town close to where I live. Now the witches of today teach on Zoom due to COVID. They actually are signing up students for Witchcraft 2.0 starting in March.  Another reason, I love living in Sonoma County.

I will stop here at my late twenties, but I think you get the idea that I am made for this journey, I want to know what is on the other side. I want to feel the connection and communicate with other realms in a positive and loving way. I want to share my experiences and stories so that we don't feel alone, so that our grief doesn't overtake us.  

Yesterday, grief almost took me down until I reached out to the other side, the other side of me, the other side of this realm. I sat at our altar, a candle glowed, and I prayed. I asked for confirmation that I was on the right track.

A voice whispered to me. "Open the blinds of the window". So I did. Within a minute or two, the sun broke through the grey storm clouds and I was bathed in white light. Tears rolled down my face, and I said "thank you".

And that was enough. That was enough to keep me going another day.







Friday, February 19, 2021

My Love for Animals

Frenchie
Luna

For several years before I met Scott, I owned and operated a successful Pet Sitting Business. I specialized in horses, farm animals and exotic birds. I loved caring for my client's animals, their homes, farms, and ranches sprinkled about Sonoma County. Each and every animal, home, and client was unique and precious. 

Today, I reopened my business after being closed for three years. 

I always preferred having my own business where I can remain independent and provide the quality care and service that I believe in.

With my animal care business, I will be able to cure my horse bug without buying a horse! Also, there will be fun photos, adventures and more stories to share with you about animals, the places, and people I will meet along the way. 

My pet sit business allows me the time and freedom to continue posting on the blog daily.

Reopening my business feels good, it also brings up waves of sadness and grief as I move forward in this life without Scott here physically, our dreams together in this life, evaporating, replaced by my solo journey and path unfolding in familiar and not so familiar territory. I still feel his presence with me and I will continue to write about my love for Scott, my reignited interest in the after life and spiritual realms, and my own deepening spirituality.

Now, I wait, and see who I meet along the trail. I am excited to be working with animals again.



 

Fearless Driving

Photo taken from the Moving Car
Black tailed Deer near Sea Ranch
Northern California, CA

One of the reasons why I have lived in Northern California and mainly Sonoma County my whole life are the incredible drives, the change in scenery, the micro climates, the wildlife, and the people who understand how critical it is to protect nature and the land, the sea, for the animals, the plants, and our well being.

I don't get up to this area along the Northern California coast too often. The area of Sea Ranch is up some crazy cliffs that invoke fear if you make the wrong move, you will be plunged into the Pacific Ocean. Part of the steep cliffs seem to be almost always crumbling away on one side with rocks and mudslides on the other side creating havoc. You can find yourself stuck in a construction zone for a half hour or more waiting for your one lane trip to continue forward a few turns until the road widens again allowing opposite directions to pass each other. 

My sister and Scott are fearless drivers, so fortunately for me, I've been able to be a passenger soaking in the sights without having to pay attention to the hairpin twists and plunging turns along the scenic drive.

On the way up to Sea Ranch on our day trip to Mendocino, we stopped in the town of Jenner so I could get photos of the harbor seals from the vista point. For the first time, I spotted a flock of cormorants on a rock formation. The day was overcast with promise of rain, so the black cormorants appeared as beautiful shadows with just enough space to be comfortable.


Further out, the harbor seals, the slugs of the sea, I call them were napping along the river's end. For some reason, they remind me of the big slugs we found in suburban gardens when I was a kid. Close up, harbor seals are cuter and more endearing than the slime covered terrestrial molluscs of my youth. When the seals, pop their heads up from the silky waters and look at me with their big brown soulful eyes, my day is complete and I feel pleasantly lost in the eternity of life and time.

Harbor Seals napping along the River's End
Jenner, California



 

Thursday, February 18, 2021

Precious Moments in Life



This Afternoon's Drive along the Mendocino Coast



This afternoon with my sister on our drive through Mendocino,  I thought and talked about Scott almost the whole time. I'm grateful my sister doesn't tire of my stories and memories.  Driving into the town of Boonville, it reminds me of a child's storybook illustrated with farm animals and nursery rhymes come to life. The country roads reveal apple farms and vineyards. Cradled in lush green pastures, perfect wool white sheep with shiny black hooves and red Scottish Highland cattle that must be the most adorable cows on the planet languidly graze. In a month or two when the temperatures reach the seventies,  white bee boxes painted with colorful country scenes, fragrant lavender, cream pinkish white apple blossoms, aromatic herbs and tender spring vegetables will rise up from the earth harvested by wise hardened hands. 

When you ask people in town if they live here, they look at you like a cat who swallowed the canary. Within moments, they can't help themselves, their mouths open, confessing how lucky and fortunate they are to have been born into a land of dreams.  

The photos are of a cove on the Mendocino Coast. It is one of my favorite places. Scott and I spent a lot of time at this cove enjoying the sunsets that were so awe and heart inspiring, we both smiled and laughed for the gift of experiencing it, together.  During one of last summer's sunsets, I felt like I was on a psychedelic mushroom trip. 

I fell on my knees on the beach sand, thanking the creator, in total gratitude, while Scott sat on a large piece of driftwood, laughing, happy to see me so filled with joy. 

That night I wasn't on mushrooms. I wasn't hallucinating. It was real. I'm thankful that night,  I was with Scott.  I will never forget it. It's part of me and Scott, that moment in time, an elixir of stardust and love that reminds me how grateful I am that we found each other and experienced what I believe life is all about. 

Those times when we drop to our knees looking into the eyes of the creator praying with gratitude. 

"this is why we are here"

This is why we are here. 


Mendocino, California
This Afternoon

















 

Self Love and Compassion

Our Altar

When I moved back to Sonoma in December, I began a new morning ritual. I started meditating again. Sometimes I use a guided meditation, sometimes just music or silence. My morning meditations are short, about ten to twelve minutes. After making my bed, having my first cup of coffee, I start the meditation.

It is a time for me to release stress, troubled dreams, emotions, tears, and practice and feel deep  compassion and self-love for myself and love for others. During the guided meditations, there is a teaching at the end, that is always helpful, a focus or intention for the day that I can come back to.



 

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Shugri's Short Stories

 

Sonoma County
Northern California

I promised to share my friend Shugri Salh's storytelling. This morning, I read a couple of her short stories on her blog. One of the stories "The Creepy Professor" hit me hard. It reminded me of encounters with men that I've had myself, leaving my skin crawl.  

My friend Shugri is a courageous Writer and Author. I hope you will find the time to read her writing. Her voice is powerful and true. 

I am going to make myself a cup of rose tea and spend my morning reading Shugri's short stories on her blog. 

Here's an excerpt from one of her stories "The Homeless Man" . I encourage you to subscribe to her blog to follow her writing and publishing of her new book The Last Nomad at  Shugri Salh


“Hi! Hello!” I called to the homeless man who had once captured my imagination. I waved frantically trying to gain his attention, not worrying about what my neighbors might think. He crossed to my side and stood in front of my house respectfully and waited on me.  







Understandings Remembered

Hawk Angel
Bodega Bay, California

 

When Scott transitioned, I remembered I had a direct connection with my Angels, Guides, Infinite Love and my spot of the Universe.  The night Scott left, they showed up when I fell to the floor in gut wrenching grief and picked me up. I felt their love through and around me. I will never doubt that love again.

Before Scott left, I kind of ignored my Guides and Angels except when I saw something spectacular like an incredible jaw dropping, falling to my knees sunset like the one Scott and I experienced in Mendocino last year. I remember thanking them over and over saying "this is why we are here, this is why we are here". The same reaction and thanks I gave when I saw Humpback Whales swim under our boat in Maui for the first time.

And the same reaction when Scott and I had front seats to incredible bursts of thunder and lightening last summer. It was the most fantastic light and sound show I've ever seen put on by the universe! It was so much fun snuggled up to Scott camping in our van during the lightening strikes. I felt like a kid seeing fireworks for the first time.  Until I found out later the record breaking 14,000 lightening strikes last August started at least 900 destructive fires up and down the West Coast killing people and animals, destroying thousands of homes. 

That's Earth, the planet I live on. It's a dangerous ride through dazzling beauty.

After Scott transitioned, I started asking questions. One day, I asked about Atheists. I could never understand their lack of a spiritual life, their turning away from God or an all knowing Spiritual Presence. I don't think I could live without that kind of feeling or knowing.

The response I received was a new understanding. "Atheists want to immerse themselves in the Earth, focusing all of their senses on the physical without being distracted by God or a Spiritual Life". The answer was matter of fact, non-judgmental. I had an incredible ah ha moment and a clear message that Atheists were not going to be walloped by Jesus or God when they left here, just maybe surprised and overjoyed at returning.

I get it. I love the material and physical of Earth too. In fact, I see myself collecting material things like a pack rat again. I've lived out of a large green backpack for months. Now, that I am semi-settled, a bookshelf is filling with new books, Scott's altar is now our altar and I've added crystals, candles, and stones, and I have two big 5 subject notebooks to scribble in along with new pens and highlighters. Not much in comparison to most, but I see, I am grounding myself with the material again.

I am finding comfort in Earth, her nature, new friends, my collecting of stones and seashells, my healing crystals, and lighting candles while connecting with Scott, my Guides and Angels in what Scott communicated is not "my journey". It's "our journey".  

Our Journey. All of us. Connected. Learning. Expanding in love and understanding.




Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Bodega Head Hawk Watch

Drive to my Hawk Watching spot this morning
Bodega Bay, California

It was overcast and chilly. I answered the nudge to head out to the coast, to Bodega Head, one of Scott's favorite spots on the Northern California Coast. Instead of parking at the ocean cliffs, I climbed up the hills for a view of the bay. When I got out of the car, camera around my neck, my mask stuffed in my pocket, and my jacket tight around me, I watched the couple parked next to me hurry back saying to each other "it's too cold out here". That's when I spotted the hawks hunting above the coastal brush.


I found a spot near the hunting grounds and watched them navigate the blustery winds. I had a feeling if I kept still instead of trying to follow them, they would fly towards me and hunt near where I was standing.  And within a few minutes, they did. I have been spotting quite a few hawks lately during my walks and hikes.  Curious, I looked up the spiritual animal wisdom meaning for hawks. They represent vision and intuition which seems like a good fit for where I am at these days. 

Hawk flying towards and above me

I have had enough lifetimes in this one life to understand my lifestyle changes over the years. Right now, I am enjoying the connection with wild animals and I am not missing the dependency of having companion animals. I know this will not be forever, I am pretty sure a dog, a cat, a horse or all three will enter the door of this life again.  For now, I am appreciating the freedom of connecting with wild animals.