I have been immersed in a crash course on grief for the last three months. I have dozens of books, tapes, videos, podcasts, and emails on grief, the after life, communication with loved ones after death, and using grief to deepen ones life after loss.
I feel like Magellan, the Portuguese explorer we studied in school. I study maps and navigational tools trying to reach the other worlds where Scott is. I know the Earth is round not flat. I know there is life happening outside of my limited view in this one. I've felt it. I've communicated through it. I've received communications from it. We humans take a long time, centuries, before we believe in what is real and even when the facts are presented, we never reach consensus on it. Scott's transition has propelled me into seeking answers and deepening my spiritual life and my own search of Who I AM.
Yesterday was rough. On one hand, I could feel myself digging in and finding the positive, upbeat person who can create a website, order business cards, hire a consultant, and open her business in one day. And I did just that.
Then, there is the other part of me, the deeper part, the one that is on purpose, that feels like I could smoke cigarettes, wear dark sunglasses and drive around looking for aliens and angels. "We're on a mission from God", I could hear Scott say from one of his favorite movies The Blues Brothers. Scott always wanted to watch UFO documentaries. I remember binge watching the The X-Files with him our second winter together. Roswell, New Mexico was on our list of travel destinations. Both of us shared a knowing, that there is more out there. When I first met Scott, he wanted to know if I had read The Celestine Prophesy. It was important to him that I understood the spiritual concepts of that book, mainly how people can suck your energy, and bring you down to a lower vibration. I had read it. I've been studying aliens, angels, metaphysics, the after life, Wicca, Jesus, Buddha, and nature based spirituality since I was a kid. I copied my own "ten commandments" from Jesus's new testament and taped it on my bedroom wall when I was in fifth grade, my personal guide to following the path of Jesus and love. When I was in my twenties, I copied St. Francis's prayer and read it over and over again. I wanted to be an instrument of service.
When I was in my mid twenties, one of my roommates was recovering from being abducted by aliens. He was obsessed with reading everything and anything about extra terrestrials. I didn't disbelieve him. Years earlier, my foster sister and I were on the front page of our local paper. We saw a UFO out our back bedroom window. I don't think my parents believed us, until the reporter showed up to get our story and a photo, telling us he had just interviewed a CHP Officer that witnessed the same thing on patrol that same night two towns away.
In my late twenties, witches lived on the west side of Sonoma County. The women I knew who practiced Dianic Wicca (A Woman only based Wicca) packed their herbs, divination tools, tarot cards, and cats, cashed in their real estate to move north to Oregon and Washington leaving town in the late nineties. Before they left, they taught Wicca, you could actually attend witch school for a year and a day and graduate as a bonafide practicing witch. One of my favorite books as a kid was about a witch who lived on top of mountain with her magical broomstick and black cat. When I was in my late twenties, I couldn't pass up the chance of going to a real witch school, and so I did. I graduated after one year and one day jumping over a bonfire with my certificate in hand. They still hold witch school here, class by class, in a town close to where I live. Now the witches of today teach on Zoom due to COVID. They actually are signing up students for Witchcraft 2.0 starting in March. Another reason, I love living in Sonoma County.
I will stop here at my late twenties, but I think you get the idea that I am made for this journey, I want to know what is on the other side. I want to feel the connection and communicate with other realms in a positive and loving way. I want to share my experiences and stories so that we don't feel alone, so that our grief doesn't overtake us.
Yesterday, grief almost took me down until I reached out to the other side, the other side of me, the other side of this realm. I sat at our altar, a candle glowed, and I prayed. I asked for confirmation that I was on the right track.
A voice whispered to me. "Open the blinds of the window". So I did. Within a minute or two, the sun broke through the grey storm clouds and I was bathed in white light. Tears rolled down my face, and I said "thank you".
And that was enough. That was enough to keep me going another day.