Light, Clouds, and Trees in the snow
A few days ago
This morning, I cried. I cried for a long time. I cried for so many things, so many memories, I cried for Scott, that he wasn't here with me physically. There were a couple of things that triggered my grief. First, I read past writings of mine about our travels together over the summer, and second, a repairman came to the house for an installation.
Reading writings of traveling together flooded me with memories of our time together and that we are not physically together now. I am still connected to Scott, my love for him, I feel his love for me, and we still communicate through signs, a voice within, and through a deep profound communication that is explained in detail in the book "Where Did You Go" by Christina Rasmussen. When Scott died, immediately I surrendered my whole body, mind, spirit and soul to the process of grieving and letting go of any judgement, control, or thinking that I knew everything way of living. I completely let go, and let LOVE in through and beyond the pain. If you are new to this blog, you may want to read previous posts from a couple days after Scott transitioned on November 17th. I wrote honestly and as fully as possible about my journey during that time sharing everything I learned and used to get me through the darkest of days. I can say that the pain is not as intense as it was. Loss and grief are always with me. The love grows deeper. I have the tools to navigate through the pain, the grief, and the loss and I use them. I also don't let my ego, what other people think, or my critical mind get in the way of infinite love, my communication with Scott and others whom I love including my animals who have transitioned, and my commitment to living a deep spiritual life which is challenging in a culture and on a planet of distraction and disconnection. Here, we are treated as consumers not as spiritual beings having a human experience.
The other trigger for grief today was the repairman. Scott could have been him. I remembered how Scott took each job he performed seriously, and with heart whether it was taking care of the natural area, the plants, the animals and buildings at the Petrified Forest to his job with the City before we met to working at the Pumpkin Patch. At the Pumpkin Patch Farm, I watched Scott teach the young women how to drive the tractors, the tractors the young boys took over and wouldn't let the young women learn how to handle. With pride and love, I witnessed Scott let the young women lead the tractors he had taught them to drive through the festivals and fields, making sure the young guys were left on the sidelines until it was their turn, not the other way around. So when the repairman came today, I thought of Scott, and how he used to repair and do the blue collar jobs for people with care and respect. And I cried. I cried, alone, in my room, while the repairman was here, thinking, thanking and loving Scott for being Scott.
The crying opened my heart, I cried until the pain left me, and beyond the pain was love, an incredible love. That is the message I want to share with you tonight. We come from love, we are love, and we will return to love. Our job is to expand into this love now. And not doubt it. The ones we have lost are not really lost. They feel lost sometimes, but they are here, still loving us whether we see them, hear them, or believe it. They don't give up on us. They don't give up on love. And neither should we.
Love is waiting for us. We just have to expand and open ourselves to it. Sometimes that takes a lot of pain and work. It's worth it. Love is worth it. Don't give up on it. Keep going. Keep loving. And I will keep sharing everything I know while I continue on this journey of Love, because really, Love is where it's at.